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My Spa Experience

Brad insisted that I take advantage of the spa on the ship so we waited til the end of the week when the prices had been slashed desperately. I booked myself for a hot stone massage, aroma facial, collagen eye treatment, and oil scalp massage. It was dreamy. When it was over, the person working on me left and said I could take my time getting dressed and then help myself to the beverages. They had this new agey music playing and I might have fallen asleep a bit.

When she comes back in to swipe my sail and sign card she presents me with a list of problems that she found with me. I listened patiently then left without buying anything but with a whole new complex.

Here's the list.

Upon Analysis (highlighted in yellow)

1. muscle tightness on neck and shoulders with presence of knots and nodules due to lactic acid build up. (I have really got to watch the lactics? they are bad.)
2. fluid retention on hips areas, thighs and abdomen. (fluid? nah, around these parts we call it fat.)
3. lines and wrinkles (its cause I can't stop laughing! and smiling smiling smiling!)
4. puffiness and dark circles. (ok, now I'm starting to get offended.)
5. broken capillaries causing redness (great something else for me to stress over. Oh no! there goes the lactics!
6. Pigmentations (not sure what to do with them. Just so I should be aware that I have them.)

I prefer the type of spa experience where there is no talking (seriously. No Talking.), I smile, pay and then leave with a renewed sense of the importance of taking care of myself. I don't prefer the type of spa experience where I leave feeling a little less pretty. and old. and puffy. and lactic-y.

When I came back I told Brad I wanted to tell the lady Up Yours! (because its been so long since I have put that word to proper use). So Spa Lady. Up Yours!

Comments

Kimberly said…
At least you were at the spa! I had a massage like that once- I left feeling way more stressed than when I went in (was I holding my baby too much on one side? was my stride sufficiently long? were my shoulders dropped appropriately?) It really wrecks the pampering experience.
Linsey said…
They have to do whatever they can to get you to throw down more cash. It's criminal, especially after all the TLC.
queenieweenie said…
seriously...SPA workers SHOULD NOT TALK!!!
Paige said…
I've been to a lot of spas. Never had that experience. That is horrible and I'm sorry you had to go through it.
Papa Nacho said…
I went to a spa once. It wasn't pampery at all. They didn't care if you were puffy, relaxed and least of all, they didn't even know what lactey was. Probably because all of the milk products at the spa were outdated. In any event, enough about me ... you deserved better. Love you.

Padre
April said…
Maybe this is the reason I've never been to a spa...why have other tell us what we already know? Hummm I would like a massage..I hear that is fun
No worries...
Nortorious said…
I hate chatty beauticians of any sort. I'm trying to relax, not chat with you, chatty cathy.

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