Cause I'm just in a funk, and I can't get out.

(some reflections on the decision not to teach next year. Sorry for anyone that was hoping motherofgeese had something funny or entertaining today. It is just a bunch of random thoughts in no real order so bear with me).

Because I believe it's important for me to remember this pain right now, I am taking a minute to document some of my feelings about the end of the year and not teaching next year.It's funny that it sort of feels like a bad breakup. (the crying, the mood swings, the not wanting to get out of bed, the hopelessness, the low self esteem, the eating of the reese's peanut butter cups)

I feel I must make it clear that I never had to make the choice of do I stay at home with the kids or do I teach seminary. Seminary has always been this wonderful hobby and fabulous thing but motherhood is my real calling. I get that. And I also get very annoyed when I'm told that now I can go and be a mom. Totally not the same.

I started clearing out my stuff from the work rooms today. Man I make a lot of visuals.

Since Brad works from home, I have been able to put the kids down for a nap, then sneak away 3 days a week for an hour and a half. There have been many many many days when I have dragged my feet a little bit getting out the door because I was so exhausted but for the most part, I felt fulfilled when I came home.

Every quarter of an inch of physical and mental improvement is worth striving for. The Prophet Joseph Smith said that “all the minds and spirits that God ever sent into the world are susceptible of enlargement.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 354.)

(Boyd K. Packer, The Moving of the Waters, Ensign, May 1991, 7)

Because I believe that quote with my whole heart I always tried my very best to help my students feel the spirit and improve. There is no written curriculum for Special Needs seminary, so most of what I did was read the scripture block then find the absolute most applicable principle. I become an expert on lds.org and walked away with the confidence that DUH, I can teach my little children doctrines and I don't have to wait until they are older, because I taught my students and I believe they learned important principles too.

Do you know how on some days it was the only motivation I had to get dressed and leave the house?

I have had 5 pregnancies while teaching seminary. I have run out of the class, thrown up, wiped and rinsed my mouth, then returned to the class like nothing had happened.

I made up 100 scripture mastery songs. They are catchy little numbers.

I always get a little depressed when seminary is over but I love the idea that I get summer hours to study and prepare lessons. Summer hours rock.

I have had 2 students pass away.

When we lost baby boy number 2 in October of 04 THE ONLY thing that got me out of bed was knowing that I could go and take a few minutes to teach my sweet kids about Jesus Christ. I knew that they were intimately acquainted with him and could help me grieve.

I purposely scheduled all my ultrasounds for after seminary because it was the only time I would be brave enough to find out what was happening.

I learned that it is really hard to complain about any pain that I may have when those kids know physical pain.

Some of the most spiritual experiences of my life have happened at seminary. Do you want a testimony of the temple? the resurrection? that Heavenly Father loves you? to follow the prophet? of Christ-like service? I gained those and many more during those precious years.

I think I was good at it.

I taught one class in spanish.

When I first started I could only sign the words "silly turtle" and "salad". Now I can sign my testimony. We have been practicing the signs for my nonverbal students so they can do it too.

On Sunday, one of my former students got up to bear her testimony. Everytime she sees me she asks when I'm comin' back to teach her. (I had her 4 years ago at a different school).

I've learned that not all my students have to like me. (and that's ok.)

I really really really don't know what to "do" now. I walked around Roberts Crafts crying today thinking "I guess I better find another hobby to fill my time and help me to be a better person." I do not think card making can do it for me. I know that makes me sound like a snob--but I loved being forced to take the time to study the gospel and look for ways to make it simple.

Is it bad to say I sort of loved the extra gravy money?

I'm supposed to be wrapping this year up but I don't even want to think about it. I should be teaching Obadiah. Poor Obadiah might not even get mentioned.